I remember somewhat hazily what the first Christmas was like after Crede died. I say hazily because my grief was so deep that much of that time passed in a blur. My husband was gone. My daughter’s father and my son-in-law’s father-in-law. We were all experiencing our own grief in our own way.

That’s how grief is—so personal that there is no manual, the stages of grief don’t always ring true. I remember that we waited so long to get our tree that they were sold out at our favorite tree lot. Thankfully I had the tree guy’s number and we were able to make a snowy drive out to his place to get one. We decorated it only with lights, we kept the food simple, we invited a few friends over for Christmas Eve and began making new traditions that year that we would carry over.

The important thing is to do, or not do whatever seems right for you.

When Joy and Sorrow Live Side by Side

The holidays amplify everything. The music, the decorations, the gatherings—they all serve as constant reminders of who’s missing from the table. As grief expert Vicki Harrison so beautifully expressed it: “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

This first holiday season after loss is particularly disorienting. You may find yourself feeling multiple emotions at once—sadness and joy, anger and gratitude, isolation and connection. Dr. Luana Marques, a psychologist at Massachusetts General Hospital, reminds us that experiencing joy during grief doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten your loved one. These conflicting feelings are part of being human, and they can coexist.

There Is No “Right” Way to Grieve

Despite what you may have heard, grief doesn’t follow a neat timeline or predictable stages.

Each person’s grief journey is as unique as their relationship with the person they lost. What helps one person might not work for another, and that’s completely okay.

Some people find comfort in maintaining old traditions, while others find them unbearably painful. You might want to participate in holiday gatherings one moment and need to retreat the next. All of these responses are valid.

Practical Strategies for the Holiday Season

Give Yourself Permission to Feel

Creating space for your emotions is one of the most important—and most challenging—things you can do. Our culture often pressures us to “stay positive” during the holidays, but suppressing grief doesn’t make it go away. In fact, avoiding difficult emotions can prevent healing.

Allow yourself to cry. Allow yourself to feel angry. Allow yourself to sit with the pain when it comes. These feelings will naturally ebb and flow if you give them room to exist.

Decide What Traditions Serve You Now

The holidays don’t have to look the way they always have. Consider which traditions bring comfort and which ones might be too painful this year. Some possibilities include:

• Simplifying holiday meals or asking others to help with preparation
• Decorating differently or less extensively than usual
• Creating new rituals that honor your loved one, such as lighting a candle in their memory, sharing their favorite stories, or making their signature recipe
• Shopping online to avoid overwhelming crowds and triggering memories
• Giving yourself permission to skip certain events entirely

Remember: You can always change your mind. Having both a Plan A and a Plan B gives you flexibility when emotions shift unexpectedly.

Honor Your Loved One’s Presence

Finding ways to include your loved one in holiday celebrations can bring comfort. Many families find meaning in setting an empty place at the table, hanging a special ornament, sharing favorite memories, or volunteering for a cause their loved one cared about.

As Candi Cann, an associate professor who studies grief, explains: one person observed that when someone dies, the love doesn’t disappear—it remains. Creating space for that connection, both literally and symbolically, acknowledges the ongoing bond you share.

Take Care of Your Physical Needs

Grief is exhausting, and the holiday season adds extra demands. Prioritize basic self-care:

• Get adequate sleep (and don’t feel guilty if you need more than usual)
• Eat regular, nourishing meals
• Stay hydrated
• Move your body gently—even a short walk can help
• Avoid using alcohol to numb difficult emotions

Prepare Your Coping Toolkit

Create a list of strategies you can turn to when grief hits unexpectedly—whether you’re at home or at a social gathering. Your toolkit might include deep breathing exercises, stepping outside for fresh air, journaling, listening to specific music, calling a trusted friend, or saying a comforting affirmation.

Lean on Your Support System

While it may be tempting to isolate yourself, connection with others is vital for healing. This doesn’t mean you need to be constantly surrounded by people, but do reach out to trusted friends, family members, or support groups who understand what you’re experiencing.

Don’t hesitate to tell people what you need. They may not know how to help unless you guide them.

Consider Canceling the Holiday Altogether

Yes, you read that right. If the thought of celebrating feels impossible, you can take a year off from traditional holiday festivities. The holidays will return next year, and you’ll have another chance to decide how to approach them. For some people, giving themselves this permission actually provides enormous relief.

When Grief Becomes Overwhelming

While grief is a natural response to loss, sometimes it can become so intense that it interferes with daily functioning. If you’ve been experiencing severe grief for an extended period— typically a year or more after the loss—and find yourself unable to accept the death or re- engage with life, you may be experiencing prolonged grief disorder.

Signs that you might benefit from professional support include:

• Constant preoccupation with the person who died
• Difficulty accepting the death
• Feeling that life has lost all meaning
• Avoiding reminders or feeling emotionally numb
• Struggling to participate in activities you once enjoyed

If any of this resonates with you, please reach out for help. Seeking support is not a sign of weakness—it’s an act of courage and self-care.

Helpful Resources and Support

You don’t have to navigate this journey alone. Many organizations offer free or low-cost grief support:

National Hotlines

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: Call or text 988 (available 24/7)
• Crisis Text Line: Text HOME to 741741 for free, 24/7 support
• Disaster Distress Helpline: 1-800-985-5990 for those affected by traumatic events
• Veterans Crisis Line: Call 988 and press 1, or text 838255

Support Groups and Organizations

• GriefShare: Faith-based support groups (welcoming to all) available in-person and online
• The Compassionate Friends: Support for parents, siblings, and grandparents after the death of a child
• What’s Your Grief: Educational resources and supportive online community
• Modern Loss: Contemporary resources and tips for coping with grief

Finding Local Support

• Contact your local hospice—many offer free grief support even if your loved one wasn’t in their care
• Call 211 to connect with grief support groups in your area
• Check with local hospitals, churches, or community centers

For a comprehensive directory of grief resources organized by type of loss, visit My Grief Angels (https://mygriefangels.org).

Moving Forward, Not Moving On

There’s a common misconception that grief has an endpoint—that eventually you “get over it” and return to normal. But the truth is, you don’t move on from grief; you move forward with it. Your loved one becomes part of your story, and the grief transforms over time but doesn’t disappear.

As one grief counselor noted, dealing with loss doesn’t mean healing from an illness. Death and loss are normal parts of living. The pain may become less sharp, but the love and the loss remain intertwined. What changes is your ability to hold both the sorrow and the joy, the absence and the presence, the past and the future.

This holiday season, be gentle with yourself. Trust your instincts about what you need. And remember that however you choose to navigate this time—whether that’s embracing traditions, creating new ones, or stepping away entirely—you’re doing it right.

For more information on holiday grief and coping strategies:

Mass General Brigham: Grief During the Holidays

VITAS Healthcare: Coping with Grief During the Holidays

National Council on Aging: Tips for Navigating Grief During the Holidays

Choosing Therapy: Dealing with Grief During the Holidays